Don't Quote Me on This.

"Like a drum, my heart never stops beating for you, for you. Baby, I’m not moving on...."

Thu, 09 May 2013 17:34:27 -0400

“Like a drum, my heart never stops beating for you, for you. Baby, I’m not moving on. I’ll love you long after you’re gone.”

- Phillips Phillips - Gone Gone Gone

yes to all the above.

Wed, 08 May 2013 07:18:19 -0400

yes to all the above.

"In this crazy world of choices, I’ve only got a few. Either you’re coming with me or..."

Tue, 07 May 2013 21:08:10 -0400

“In this crazy world of choices, I’ve only got a few. Either you’re coming with me or I’m coming with you ‘cause I finally found, I finally found you”

- Enrique Iglesias - Finally Found You

“this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Mon, 06 May 2013 13:03:59 -0400

“this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Detachment

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 00:31:00 -0400

I was always under the impression that my dad left me when I was younger. It wasn’t until I was 19 that I realized it was a lot more complicated than that. For most of my life, I had the fear of people leaving me because I felt the void of my dad not being there. As a defense mechanism, I wanted to leave people before they had a chance to get rid of me. On the one hand, I desperately want to hang on to them. On the other, I can’t wait to get rid of the person because I don’t want to feel that sense of attachment anymore. This explains a lot of my relationships with people or maybe I just try to make it relevant.

I find myself at that crossroad now. I’m forever looking for a reason to let someone go. I want that detachment.

Happiness, Life

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 23:12:40 -0400

Life is too short to be unhappy. During these past couple of weeks, there’s been a lot to be sad about. With finals coming up, it’s even harder to focus on doing what I need to do when all I can think about are the things going on around me. I’ve been trying to be optimistic but every day it’s a struggle when all I want to do is crawl into a ball. Lucky for me, I count my blessings by appreciating the moments I share with people.

Example 1. One day, I was extremely upset about how the past couple of days had been going. It seemed as if nothing was going right and I couldn’t do anything about it. I decided to go run with my friend because running always makes me feel better. Before we ran, my friend said, “Let’s not talk about anything depressing. This is going to be a happy run.” I thought, I don’t know if I can do that. I was so bogged down with all these thoughts. She could tell I was troubled by this proposition because I was looking so pensive. I wanted to tell her about my friend who had passed away and how my friends were fighting and that they were taking it out on me… and she just looked at me and said, “No depressing stories.” I smiled and nodded. We had a nice run where we talked about the weather and boats, what we were like as kids, nature… It was really fun. The day ended on a very good note. I was no longer weighted down by all the things that had been bothering me. Sometimes in life, that’s all you need - to just not talk about it.

Example 2. I was in the middle of an argument with a friend and it was extremely upsetting. It had already been an exhausting day and I didn’t know what else I could say to make the situation better. We left dinner with the tension still between us. I knew we weren’t comfortable ending it like that, so we went into CVS. I decided to tell her a funny story because I saw cranberry juice. We ended up walking around the store for a long time sharing funny stories about our pasts. When the laughter died down, she said, “I’m really glad we’re friends.” It made me feel so much better. Granted the problem wasn’t resolved but sometimes it doesn’t have to be. It’s more important to me to be reminded of why I’m friends with someone than to settle whether something is right or wrong. Imagine if we lived in a world isolated from all of its complications. You know those claw machine games? Pull yourself out of that mess and allow yourself to be suspended above everything. Wouldn’t life just be easier that way, to continue pulling yourself out of the chaos?

Example 3. I keep reminding myself of all the good things. I look at myself in the mirror and realize that I’m young and healthy. I am so grateful for that.

For me, the root of the meaning of life is finding happiness because it’s so elusive. For ages, philosophers, thinkers, spiritual leaders, humanity has come to realize that regardless of how you get there it’s about the perception of happiness from the individual. Happiness comes from within and in order to live a happy life it takes practice. I’m learning and practicing happiness everyday.

"Well you only need the light when it’s burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to..."

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 20:17:52 -0400

“

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

”

- Passenger - Let Her Go

When I feel a bug on me

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 21:04:38 -0400

whatshouldwecallme:

i ran through a swarm of flies and reacted like this

beautiful

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 09:06:06 -0400

beautiful

"God bless The Notebook. It introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel..."

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 09:08:08 -0400

““God bless The Notebook. It introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie. Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that.””

- Ryan Gosling, why are you so amazing? What’s more romantic than The Notebook??

Photo

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 23:05:51 -0400

Inner Being

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 00:03:00 -0400

I went to a talk given by a Buddhist nun and although it was sort of an introductory course on Buddhism, it was a good refresher. There were lots of different lessons being discussed but one that still resonates in me and worthy of blogging.

I’m tired so I’m going to sum it up, she said that when anything bothers you, you can figure it out by looking inside of yourself. That’s what I’m going to work on. Looking inward instead of trying to find answers elsewhere.

conveys: If the movie doesn’t live up to how amazing this part...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 20:55:57 -0400

conveys:

If the movie doesn’t live up to how amazing this part is in my head I will be livid

"Despite the fact that you know that this is not healthy and you know that you should try to just..."

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 19:08:00 -0400

“Despite the fact that you know that this is not healthy and you know that you should try to just distant yourself, you choose not to because you would rather have her in your life and you gotta deal with the fact that this is going to happen if you choose to do so.”

- best run-on sentence ever ;)

finally found this.. that moment when you go to speak and just...

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 01:52:14 -0400

finally found this.. that moment when you go to speak and just end up letting out a sigh instead.

What Kind of Life Am I Making For Myself?

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:58:49 -0400

The other day at the gym, I went to put my age into the treadmill to start my cardio. I stared at the 24 and it all felt so unreal. I looked up to see my reflection in the window and it reminded me of my high school self. Face still the same and body is relatively the same - not as toned as it was but it could be much worse. I always thought that once I was in my mid-20s I would feel different and I don’t. The person I was when I was 16 is still the person I am today. Well, not exactly the same because I’d like to think I’m more rational than I was then. But overall, still pretty much the same.

I was on the phone with my friend and she said something about how social I was and that I must have a lot of friends. Then I realized it was 11PM on a Saturday night and I was at the gym. So no, I can’t agree that I’m very social.

In high school, I definitely was. I don’t remember many nights when I didn’t have anything to do or anyone to hang out with. In college, my antisocial tendencies were of my own doing. I think if I wanted to hang out with someone, I probably could have. Everyone here assumes that I have this exciting life where I’m constantly busy and rubbing elbows with people. This is probably because I give off the vibe that I am extremely busy. Most of the time, I really am. However, when I have down time is when I find myself alone. I think to myself, what kind of life is this?

This is the life I built for myself. The minute someone comes along to settle in my life, it’ll coincide with the “busiest” time in my life and I pull away. I need to do something about this.

Thoughts?

Stay

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 09:07:00 -0400

When someone disconnects from me emotionally, I try to cling on to them physically. Maybe it’s to fill the void or maybe it’s so that I can feel them as a part of myself again. The more I see someone detaching and distancing themselves, all I really want to do is reach out and hug them.

It’s hard for me to say what I mean or to express to someone how much I care about them. Even when words don’t seem to be enough, I hold on to the hope that with my embrace the other person will hear my body saying, “I know you’re leaving but don’t let go. Stay.”

Moments

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 23:30:00 -0400

When you said, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you show me how it’s done?”
The time you put ice-cream in your mouth and I had to eat it to prove I was okay with us sharing germs. When I was upset at the gym, and you stood on the other side of the room and waved to me. Every time you’ve said, “That felt nice.” You showed me what a platonic cuddle was. Planning twinsies’ day and exchanging clothes because we’re the same size. Standing side-by-side and measuring to see who was taller, asking multiple people to judge. That sweater I borrowed. When you texted and asked if you should come pick me up, literally - I was lying on the floor.

For every delicious meals you’ve ever made me. And especially, the time you hugged me at that party and asked me if I wanted to come sleep over. All those, “Abort! Abort!” and “Heyyy girrrrrl” texts. Getting to know you, your life, and where you’ve been. Remembering every movie we’ve watched and songs we’ve listened to. Sending messages simultaneously at the exact same time. Looking at each other from across the table at meetings and just knowing what the other person is thinking. That green tea ice-cream that was discontinued. Every good moment that turned into arguments that turned into good moments talking about us.

Trying to recall the title Edge of Desire, recounting the books we’ve read, being whiny. When we went to brunch and then studied all day. Those 3 day weekends we spent together and then having separation anxiety come Monday. Eating chocolate and cheese nonstop. Every genuine hug. Oh, that time we decided to hold hands and skip down the street because it made us feel like kids. Realizing we were like family soon after we met, because we fight like it. Jumping out of bed in the morning like you were ready to face the day as I slowly inched my way out of the sheets. Waking up one day and realizing it had only been a month.

Pumping the brakes and letting this friendship screech to a halt.

Love Me

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 00:42:00 -0400

There’s an aura of desperation emanating from me and I’m not sure I like that. I continually question the way I act; “natural” is something my body no longer understands how to conform to. In my need to keep my composure, it takes every bit of energy to contain myself, to try to play by your rules, to not slip up and say the wrong things, to be as inconspicuous as possible about my neediness.

As much as it seems like I want to detach, I grasp on to this, to every part of this even though I feel my grip slipping. It’s as if I’m back on the playground, hanging on to the monkey bars, dangling my feet above the ground as I feel my hands perspiring. I switch from hand to hand, bar to bar so that I can keep this going. The fear blushes to my face because I don’t want to drop to the ground. I don’t want to let go.

These silences and awkwardness only repeat and magnify themselves as time goes on. The unspoken truths and the misunderstood feelings leave me wondering if this is all me. Am I alone in this? My abstraction is something you can’t accept and my indirectness is something I can’t change. What is it that I’m saying?

I just want you to love me, love me as much as I love you.

Do it so that I can let go of you. Love me so I can stop loving you.

"God that was strange to see you again, introduced by a friend of a friend, smiled and said,..."

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 20:04:00 -0400

“

God that was strange to see you again, introduced by a friend of a friend, smiled and said, “Yes, I think we’ve met before.” In that instance, it started to pour.

Captured a taxi despite all the rain, we drove in silence across Pont Champlain and all of the time you thought I was sad, I was trying to remember your name.

”

- Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead