You know when I look at you, I can just tell. I’d like to think that I know you better than you think I do. I know you better than maybe you even know yourself, or you do know but won’t admit it just yet. At times, I worry that maybe the same is true the other way around. Can you tell what it is that I’m thinking? Are you able to pick up on the implications of my words or my actions? It worries me sometimes, those times when I slip up and might do or say something dishonest. I’m afraid you’ll know. I say that because when you do it, I know it.
Even if my assessment into this is inaccurate, I know what I’ve observed to be true. I can see it in your eyes, your demeanor, the way you talk, you’re a different person then. There’s something about being in that atmosphere that changes you. I know what it is; I can understand what it is.
It’s the presence of the person. More than anything, it’s how you change in their presence. You resist your impulses because you think about it. You become aware of your feelings. You’ve thought about it and you already decided it wasn’t the smart thing to do. So you don’t do. Doing nothing protects you, no one can accuse you of any involvement.
However, your mind can only resist what your heart wants for so long. After awhile you will give in to it. The heart always wins. Sometimes doing what is smart isn’t the fun thing to do, it’s not living life. And you know, maybe now isn’t the right time but sooner or later you’ll go for it (or at least you should). Why? Because I can tell you want to.
Lately I’ve been questioning myself a lot. I want to do nice things. It’s important to continually work towards doing nice things. I want to invest my life to helping people, that’s nice. But why? What is my reason? Why am I choosing to do these things, as oppose to trying to making a lot of money or gain notoriety in some way? Aspirations in which people find typical and understandable.
Now, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m nice because I’m not. I tend to think I’m quite inconsiderate. Many people have accused me of being sort of cold and sometimes an all out bitch. That’s the antithesis of nice. Short story - since 6th grade, I’ve known this girl, Linh. She is super nice. We’ve known each other for so long and I keep in touch with her every now and then and I can honestly say she is the nicest (and funniest) person I’ve ever met. Never has there been a time when I thought she was arrogant or selfish. And I mean if you think about it, I’ve known her for almost 12 years now. That’s impressive.
Setting the bar for niceness there, I’m nowhere close to that. I did a nice act this week, a minor thing but I thought it was nice. Then I stopped and questioned why I had done it. I worry that people think I’m trying to be impressive and that was not the case, not my intention. When I do nice things, it’s a natural reaction for me to do those things. I just thought it was the right thing to do. At other times, I’ll do careless things, inadvertently hurting those around me and be absolutely unaware of it.
Here’s the philosophical babble. I think altruism - true, deeply-rooted, consistent form of altruistic acts - conflicts with the Self. As a Self, you’re concern with your best interests, how to advance yourself. So no matter how much you try to do nice things, at its root, you’re only trying to do what is best for yourself. It makes me question whether anything I do or anything anyone does is true. What’s in an act of kindness really?
The way to escape this perplexing notion is to find comfort in the idea that the judgements of one’s actions is based on the observer. It is ultimately the surrounding gawkers or the receivers of kindness who judge your selfless act. As long as they adequately assess your intentions as being altruistic, I guess that’s all that really matters. Because altruism, in its key sense, is not up to the individual to judge anyways. You do nice things and if someone thinks it’s nice, then great. If they don’t, then eh what can you do? The perception of it is not yours to shape and it should not be a concern.
I had a thought today where I just wanted to scream to someone, “You’re a selfish person!” It’s a pretty cruel thing to say because I’ve always lived my life in the belief that people are essentially good. You might commit selfish acts, but you yourself are not selfish. A friend of mine told me, “I’m such a bitch. Really, I am.” And I said, “No, you’re not.” I truly believe it too. She’s not. Granted, she has moments when she’s irrational and a bit rude, which some people might perceive as her really being bitchy. Deep down, she’s not. I know it. I’ve known the girl for a very long time.
This one specific moment in the act of selfishness, I really wanted to scream that though. I stopped myself of course. It took a lot for me to do so too. It might have been the heat of the day beaming down on me but I literally felt it building up inside and I wanted to just let it out. Then I realized it would not do any good. To do something like that would only be to make me feel better and that would be wrong. So I calmed myself down and thought to myself that by holding that kind of animosity inside of me, I would only be hurting myself. So I’m learning to let go.
I’m learning not to let the actions of others define me. It’s commonsensical this realization but I’ve always taken a personal praise and responsibilities for the lives of those around me. It might seem like I don’t care but I’m deeply affected by these things. I cheer for them and myself in their successes. It sounds selfish but I do. I also beat myself up in their failures and disappointments. I find myself beating myself up more than anything though. I’m learning to let go of those habits. I’m only responsible for my own actions and that’s all I can truly criticize - only myself.
Challenge: Write a story with a twist in 50 words.
There lived a girl who wanted immortality. Since she could walk, she’s searched. One day, she learned about an immortal living in the mountain. Up it, she climbed.
“Go home;” he cried to her, “Life alone is not worth living.” From then, she left to find forever with someone instead.
I was watching The Art of Getting By (great movie by the way) and Emma Roberts’ character tells the guy, “You know we’re meant to be together one day.” He tells her, “Don’t leave.” She says to him, “Don’t worry; life is long.” Then I thought of you. I used to think that too about us.
I was never worried about losing you because even if you were gone, we’d be together one day I was sure of it. No matter who came in and out of my life, I knew I’d end up with you. I think I still might believe that now but I don’t want to live my life waiting for something that’s never going to happen. I’m hoping if we’re lucky enough, our lives will be long and I’ll see that it plays out in my favor.
I struggle with the conflict of deciding to let your memory dissipate from my mind and holding on the little bits of time we shared together. All I know is now when it’s late at night, I think of you because it helps me sleep. I find comfort in the memory of you.
For the movie itself, at the end of the movie, she came back. She actually never even left. Watch it.
What made me so guarded? A friend of mine once told me it was because I have daddy issues but I don’t think that’s right. I have brothers and I’m very close to them. They’re the male figures in my life. Another reason could be because this guy broke my heart one time but I was guarded before I met him too.
I really believe I was born this way. When I was younger, it was hard for me to be vulnerable because I didn’t like that feeling. Even now, I don’t like the feeling of someone leaving me, especially someone I’m very fond of. Once I really like someone, whether it’s someone I’m dating or a good friend of mine, I get really attached. So I tend to leave them before I get left and that’s why some people might perceive that as me being guarded.
I remember one time I was out for a run and afterwards as I was walking back to my house and listening to my ipod, a song came on that reminded me of my heartbreak, then I felt a shortness of breath. I literally couldn’t breathe and the feeling of being hurt came back. I don’t ever want to be back in that situation again so I avoid it.
But you know, being hurt in the past is never a legitimate excuse for not getting involved. So it’s not so much that I’m guarded but that I’m hesistant.
Be a fervent believer of equality. Not equality in a socialist context but equality as the eyes of society. The notion that there are always going to be discrepancies in income and means of life is fictitious. Presently, we think it but it doesn’t have to be so.
Picture a world in which rights are given to everyone, erasing borders and divides amongst humanity. No person, entity, enterprise, corporation, regardless of national status or ethnicity, has a better chance of prospering or accomplishing achievements over anything or anyone else.
Agreed that the promotion of competition is good and healthy; yet, compromise and unity in progress produces the best results. Take stubborness and radical ideas out of the equation and force the expectation of rationalization and reason on individuals. Meanwhile, as a whole always respecting the individuals in their uniqueness and peculiarity.
Move society away from the simplemindedness of the acquisition of “stuff” and fill the want for materialism with purpose. Transcend past the generational teachings of our elders to become much more socially conscious individuals.
More to come..
